Reasons Your Husband Doesn't Do Anything Around The House. It can cause depression. Aside from the financial burden unemployment places on a household, a spouse who continues to work faces his or her own issues in dealing with a displaced, depressed family breadwinner. I know men on here seem to think we are all just whiny women that just want money. Question is, who would look after the kids? Ive been with a guy for 25 years now, father of my two children. Yes I admit, Im extremely bitter over this situation. I feel I resent this more and more each day. I make 77K and we use a food pantry. Ive tried leaving but the abuse is horrendous or he demands if I leave I pay him 2,000 a month. Do not cook for him, do his laundry, please buy your own food, eat out, cut off his cell phone, the cable. Physical pain ensued after my father passed away suddenly at the age of 65. We may have to move back to his home state because it seems a bit easier to get work. Its very scary to make these decisions.. Its sometimes easier to just accept itand I suspect many of these lazy men are very unhappy with the women in their lives so they just stop caring about how all this affects their wives. His parents blamed our daughter and me. See what happens if you dont address everything, even if the thought alone fills you with immense dread (including visions of D test grades for the kids or your home looking like an episode of Hoarders). He has money for another 2 mortgage payments and I have saved up for about 1 mortgage. Answer (1 of 19): Not all but most if she is not working It would be unfair for you to arrive home after she was home all day and says you need to do the dishes, or laundry. I am in pain, still suffering postpartum depression and have 2 small babies to care for. Its not fair to me. Im currently living with her, but if it wasnt for my job Id move in with my grandparents. So recently I try to do some exercise and keep reading make myself more peaceful and happy. Surely we cant survive on just love and fresh air. Move out get your own spot then allow him to get it together! As wives' economic dependence on their husbands increases, women tend to take on more housework. I do not have a degree and worked in office administration, plus I was in my 50s at that point so my prospects were grim. I feel bad because I dont like to be this way. I dont think things are ever.going to change. Thank you for that. It wont simply resolve and go away, he truly needs to see a mental health doctor. I also want one more tiny aspect My own sense of achievement and pride with my own job. I fantasize all the time about just running away from the stress. I was rehired before thanksgiving. He says the other people are to blame, but I see how he is here and Im inclined to disagree with him or at least say that he is at least part of the problem. For the last 2 years my wife has barely worked, and complained so much about the couple of extremely part-time jobs shes found that Ive begged her to quit just so I could stop hearing about it. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html, The best thing I could say is leave him.Im in the same situation except my husband wont even clean..he wont even put in an application and hes clingy too.like a child..they are complacent with their life and its not fair to the other spouseI decided to walk away from my marriage because I cant take it anymore.hes making me disgusted every time he is around himthey dont care how we feel by taking on all the burdens they dont want to help themselves we are only wasting our life away with these lazy men who doesnt care about how we feel.leave leave leave5 yrs married 8 yrs together and its always the same problems.hes too lazyno dreams or goals he works at ..nothingwalk awaythere are plenty men out there fix yourself up really nice and be seenhave fun.good luck sweetie never let a make you feel suicidal. I cant imagine terminating a pregnancy and/or leaving him but I am so lonely and confused. i think so, as an sahm i expect to do all the housework. Otherwise, youre making excuses. I thought I was alone. But after less than a year of teaching she was completely burnt out. Or doing whatever chores you want done. Ive supported us in every way the whole time. His dad constantly threatens to kick him out if he doesnt get a job. I got to the point where I resent him and is opinion doesnt really matter to me anymore. My situation is different than most. Lived there 10 years all on my wages he did nothing except spend, spend, spend. Usually has a capable hard working partner who look after him. I seem to convince myself to just hold on, make sure he is working good then tell him to go, but it never happens. Lucky me he comes down with me and has me mute it every five minutes or so so that he can read some fascinating political thing or show me the latest angry cat video, which for those of you playing at home, I dont care about. I am mostly referring to the men who have been out of work for years, not just a few months. When do I get my break?? This password will be used to sign into all, Photo-Illustration: by The Cut; Photos: Getty Images, Three Ex-New Yorkers on Leaving For Somewhere Cheaper, Advice for Everyone Whos Confused About Money Right Now, How to Talk About Money in Your Relationship, How Can I Get My Unemployed Husband to Do More Chores?, 39 Pairs of Sneakers to Upgrade Your Wardrobe, Im On the Hunt for the Best Sunscreens Without a White Cast, I Inherited Millions From My Mother, and Everyone Knows, Are There Any Healthier Alternatives to Gel Manicures?, Rick Scott Is Unfortunately Kind of Right About Novak Djokovic, Rick Scott Is Unfortunately Right About Novak Djokovic. If only my second boy didnt love him as much, I would have had a divorce long time ago! If you are ever concerned about your safety, please contact local law enforcement or go to your nearest emergency room. Im afraid that if I leave him he will become suicidal, as he is prone to severe depression, but Im worried that staying with him is changing the course of my life for the worse. I pay for everything even though i cant, i find ways! Please help! I didnt think at the beginning, but now that I think about it, I think the reason he married me was because he knew I had a high paid job and could sustain him while he just does what he likes to do. Ive tried tough love. Not sure whats goin on with a dude who has had 7 jobs in a short period of time.. I keep my complaints to myself and keep trying to be uplifting but its hard. We have lost our house because of the inconsistency. A few years ago we had our first baby, which was (and remains) the most wonderful person in our lives. Have a harder shell. At least he doesnt not smoke, drink or gamble or abuse. I feel like committing suicide. Your husband, like some of the others talked about here, is not just suffering a temporary difficulty finding work. I am 52 years old and tired. All rights reserved. Hes gained quite a bit of weight and says our house is making him sick. The best way is to leave them alone. However,I I have been identified by my wife as the main contributor of stress in her life, something she cannot endure any longer. Two boys have moved out but the third at 29 years old has moved back in with us. I dont know what else to do. My husband has been unemployed for two years. THANK YOU for this article. I guess, in a way, Im glad Im not on my own. Or, you can challenge your own thinking. Dont mind it one bit,?in fact I love being able to contribute, but I signed up to be part of a team. With that money, we paid off my credit card (hubby doesnt have one), his student loan, and various other bills we wanted settled. So I am paying for everything. Your child should also let you know what they need from you, which will prevent you from overstepping their boundaries. This person is very moody and is difficult to get along with when they are in one of their moods I worked with this person in the past and saw first hand the way they spoke to and generally didnt get along with their coworkers. I really find it hard to believe too. Hi During this time I had to PUSH and PROD him to explore part-time work. If you have children, list all your parenting responsibilities as well. Much as I love my sister and her 3 children, i.e. If your spouse refuses to attend counseling with you, seek counseling for yourself as individual therapy can be effective in helping restore marriages. And if you dont feel pressured to do it, is this stuff really all that important? 6. I dont make enough to keep our heads above water and its a daily, awful struggle to figure out how to keep lights on, pay the mortgage, have food, clothes, pet food, and the list goes on He is currently under employed and does get paid weekly BUT this job incurs expenses of mileage and car wear and tear. He had lunch with a guy he had an interview with in november. Actually I dont think he even likes my children anymore. Simply put: Its not my problem anymore. Im crumbling : (. (I know, $ but divorce is $$$$$$$.). After the 6 years, that all went and I didnt get another job for 2 years and it was just a few hours and my wife got a part time job of 20 hours.I did the school run for the next 6 years and joined the reserves to gain some extra money.She refused to buy an old car and still eat out and told me she deserved to have everything she wanted! We are now married (and both employed), and while we obviously recovered from that moment, I wish I could say that weve figured out how to divide chores equally and happily. I just feel tired Id have someone paying for half the cost of living rather than paying all the bills for two people (plus more if there are kids). Im exhausted. They dont want to fit in the position job market needed for the time being, but they just want to work in the position they like. i have tried to leave my husband so many times, i even filed for divorce, but i came back to this situation, to try again, start over with hopes that things will get better. Honestly, if hed just get and keep a job, theres be no issues. I am really lost, the worst part is my family doesnt even know he is there, they thought he had left for good. My husband tries hard to find work and with 2 degrees we hope he finds work soon. He always talks about enjoying life, money is only a tool, blah blah blah but all because he knows I make good money with my job and I have no choice but to support him. Im so depressed. All Rights Reserved. It is worth it to wake up in the mornings and not be afraid. He has contacts that ask him to help with functions that pay well but they are usually (almost always) out of town. If one of you prefers to do chores on the weekend and the other wants to relax, this can lead to anger and resentment from both sides. A Sobering Letter to the Wife With the Filthy House I glad that I found this site. No one can help you except yourself. His parents are okay with him not working.. We have place to live, two beautiful children, husband who looks after the kids after school(btw that is the only thing he does when I am at work- as soon as I come home I have to cook, clean, take care of the school work and kids) and my parents in law do not understand why I am so unhappy? Your husband is likely grieving the loss of his job and the identity that went with it, she says. He'll pay the bills. It cant just all be on me. If she is not willing to work when you are both in significant debt, there is a big problem. Though he is kind, caring, and considerate, he lacked the necessary survival skills. Im sorry. It may take some alternative solutions, such as hiring a teenager to mow the lawn. You are just as intuitive, empathetic and caring as she is. You may need to give him a timeframe, say 90 days, to either be working, or you will leave and no longer support him financially. Staying in rented apartment. I am back to update my previous post (#76). I got a job in the area I was studying just a fews months before I graduated. Its a very lean existence and if this keeps up, we will not be celebrating Christmas this year. Listening to all of your stories, I am asking God is there any relief for us? My partner of ten years walked out of her job two years ago without finding another job first. I have nowhere to go. I worked 2 and 3 jobs our whole marriage and the bills are getting harder to pay. Im so tired. My issue was that I never felt supported when we were in this situation that he wasnt doing anything around the house whilst I worked 60 hrs a week, that he wasnt trying to find a job, that he wasnt happy for my work related successes. This also leads him to wonder why, as a perfectly capable professional in his field, he cant find work. I felt so alone and Im not the most sociable person on the planet anyway. Im sorry you are 31 and if you have not yet to get it in the indurstry music you are never. My husband has been out of work now for nearly 2 years and its been a true test of our relationship, but I think if we can survive this, we can survive anything. For these with children issue like me, I choose to put up with and wait my children grow up. This was supposed to be very temporary while he found a job so we could afford our own place. All the stress and pressure is on me it completely drains me. Consider this a 9 month course you paid for to see what you do not want in a partner. Go ahead, sit on the sidelines snd advise us to kick him to the curb. We are very similar praying for you Chris. A Delicate Balance. He will not own his failure, learn from it and move on. She also thinks that I did not do my best during training but I really did. She has been off work for some time now and i have been trying to keep things together and stay ahead on payments and so on. I dont mind working hard, but I just cannot accept him living off on me while he thinks its absolutely ok and still wait for his dream job. So, that was about 3 months ago. X. He helps out at home, takes daughter to school and things, does housework and cooks probably half the time but Im just so tired and teary all the time. I have been with my husband for nine years. 1. The only time he slows down is when he gets a migraine from all the stress. If possible, go away with kiddo for a week or three. As our relationship wore on, his weed habit, sucky brother, and overall lack of ambition drove us apart. I am so sad . I honestly want to better myself and hes not helping, not even pulling his own weight. My husband was a good provider for over 30 years and now has been unemployed for 2 years and not finding anything. I dont feel so alone if thats any consolation. Feel as though Im enabling the behavior as I continue to stay . He was always angry to be there and always had a nasty scowl on his face treating the job like it was demotion compared to what he had done previously. I do everything I can to help him, but I can tell Im starting to become more resentful that Im the one bringing home the money. In our 11 year LTR my husband has been employed probably a total of 9 months. Well you should follow your heart,sometimes its not like he doesnt want a better life he just needs a push in a right direction.Do listen to your parents they dont want to see you suffer while they have raised you well believe me ul hate your life. Whether it's romance, friendship, family, co-workers, or basic human interaction: we're here to help! I had my 1st car at 23 yrs, now at 30 Im back using public transport (mini bus taxis). Im TIRED.Im stressed. This has been an almost 10 year struggle. Its hard enough paying for even just myslelf. Dont let them ruin YOUR life anymore, much less have them bail on your watch and break your children. Read on! I give up. I dont need him to provide for me so I can quit working, or to buy me lavish things. "He is very sensitive and emotional. It was for groceries and neccessities that i didnt have the money for so i had to put on my credit card. He began drinking 12 yrs or so ago and had an accident that led him to his death,thankfully he came out of the coma and was sober for 3.5yrs. Maybe thats why hes so lazy? Im 20 and so stressed about money Im genuinely going mental. When we first met he was exactly ever wanted and everything I never knew I needed. I dont need to marry someone rich, honestly, Id be better off with a roommate! I do not see that you will receive any benefit from this relationship, only exhaustion. I earned probably $1 million in that time; and lost about $120,000 on shares and forex trying to escape the mice race. reading this really brings me down to know how much us breadwinners suffer but yet therapeutic especially when I laugh my azz off as read Sams first-liner. A Woman Has Been Charged for Allegedly Taking Abortion Pills. We have two children one 19 and one 10 both still at home. Your marriage will definitely continue to deteriorate if things continue this way. I know my husband for 5 years and im married to him for 2 years.. fortunately we have no child and im really grateful 2 god for this since im married my husband has quit his job where he was earning quite good and good expense for himself.. im a manager in an insurance company and now it has become really difficult for me 2 live with this man though it was a love marriage.. my husband just sit at home all day and watch tv he does nothing..when im back home in the evening, i have 2 cook, wash dishes, wash cloth and ironing.. though i have a good job but now it has become realllllllllyyyyyyy dificult to live with him.. everyday he ask money for his needs.. and if i dont give him, he just steal it from my purse when im sleeping.. Understanding and genuinely appreciating the emotional labor your partner performs every day is difficult if everything is going swimmingly at home. I feel for the people commenting here, I am currently in a similar situation. men worked 8.4 hours per day, versus women at 7.8 hours per day. I cut my own hair, sew clothes back together, skip meals (but I am overweight, so you would never know it. Before we met and got together, he was apparently a very hard worker with a great job. Hes not laying around on the sofa, but all of his job search efforts have brought very little money into the house. Where I need advice involves the second shift that I work in our home. You can use our website to search for a therapist or counselor in your area: But knowing and doing are two different things. If they do, cut them some slack; they probably have years of resentment built up. Must be nice coming home. frikin. He paid our rent for awhile, paid off my $6000 loan, and bought us both vehicles. Im frustrated because it does NOT take a YEAR to get a job..ANY job, I dont care if its flipping burgers. Not sure what to do any more but all i know is that I have very little left in the tank and life doesnt seem to be getting any less complex and harsh. Unemployment can make individuals need to pull back yet abstain from ending up socially disengaged. Ill admit it did give women a sense of individuality and a more self-sustaining way to provide for themselves and their children should the husband up and leave them. But now its back to coming home with him saying he didnt get stuff done because he was too tired and passed out. He has gotten marginally better at being a dad. Terrible thoughts have been going through my mind because I feel so trapped. Zero income. And you CAN do this. I love him, I know he loves me and his kids, but this does not work for me I want a teammate. And I started over with darn near nothing. boeing 767 patriot express. Tells me Im looking for someone rich. When new things come up (for example, we need a new microwave), it helps to determine who is going to own it from the get-go (I took care of it, because my husband had recently dealt with our broken air conditioner). I call BS. Answer (1 of 51): You can't fix people like this. I also put up with it because I made a commitment and I dont want to give up easily. I dont know how being solely focused on bad things going on in the world is helping either of us. Every vacation in the last 4 months has been renigged because of illnesses and finance issues. Its always that hes either under qualified, or overqualified. You sound like you have done more rhan enough for years ..please find the strength and courage to leave him. Its been months since they ended it and i cant help but feel that he is only with me for security reasons n not because im the one he really wanted if gave the choice. Im seriously starting to feel used. There was no such thing as "girl" chores or "boy" chores. I bet he would find a job if you put him out. And fun, he always manages to swing it back to how horrible my family is and how they voted Trump in. Its been nine years since my husband last held a job. He is not working and is depressed and moody and I am just sick of it. It could be depression. He lives of his parents hand outs and sleeps in everyday..I always worked and was emotionally supportive for him to find a job.but there was always an excuse why he can not work..now I feel sad because I thought he was a better person that he really is..shame on me for allowing this to happen for such a long time.but I was always so busy trying to earn enough to support the family, now I am exhausted and look for him to step in but he is giving me such a hard time. Better yet, look for ways to help and help shoulder the emotional burdens.. In fact, during one argument previous he said that as soon as he got a job we would break up. I do not have health insurance through work, so have to go through the exchange. I would vent about my situation but, I guess that makes me misogynistic? He lives in my house, I pay for all the expenses, including the two kids full time child care. Any time I suggested steps to actually find paying clients, or to engage with other people in her field, or to network, or to do anything other than staying home and reading the blogs of more successful people, her go-to response is That sounds exhausting. It also remains stubbornly common, despite study after study showing that female breadwinners in hetero relationships still do more housework than their male partners (even when those male partners do not work at all), and that this gap is damaging to marital happiness. But when my bf got out of jail he was homeless I wouldnt let him come stay with us. It will continue, as long as you enable him to keep doing nothing. Lost our house, vehicle, sanity. They disconnected. To add insult to injury, he even implied I did it on purpose, to get fired! By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. He doesn't respond well to this. Unemployment places strain on a marital relationship for obvious reasons. I pray for God to send me a si gn for guidance and strength. Stepping back can be difficult, but doing so can change your entire dynamic. The "My Husband Won't Do Half the Housework" Fallacy If I kick him out I know he has no where to go, but Im sick of supporting someone who not only doesnt try to better themselves but doesnt appreciate how hard I work to take care of my family. If youre the slacking-off spouse, you might feel frustrated by never getting it right when you help, justifying your avoidance to engage, Clark said. Everytime I bring something up about him not starting the business, I feel he shuts down. Im 39 and he is 40 and he might have worked 3 years in total. He got fired from the first, and the one he currently has is minimum wage. Me and my brother are currently not speaking because he insists on mooching off of my parents/other people instead of earning an income of his own. She resfused to take a fulltime job as she went to university to get a law degree! Im tired. I think I am cycling through all of this just as he is and I am not sure how much longer I can be the supportive wife that I know I really have to be to get all of us through this. Coping When Your Spouse is Unemployed - Focus on the Family Boy, has society got all women buffaloed. The way out is not too difficult to see, every mental healthy person will know. I pay for everything, from car insurance to groceries, to phone, rent, utility, gas, his child support occassionally. The root of the problem is an over abundance of average and mediocre people who have nothing particularly special about them. Sometimes you just want to punch the person in the face especially when they are laying in bed and/or watching television when you have to get ready for another horrible day of work. Press J to jump to the feed. I know that he is bad for me and I know that he should have been out of my life a long time ago, part of me is worried about him being ok which is stupid, but I cant seem to stop that. And a very big part of me wants to have my work bonuses paid directly to me with cash that he never knows about so I can spend it directly on me.. Oh god I just re-read my comment and I know I sound like a spoilt brat. But he has to understand; Im drowning here. THAT was my issue. I very much want to tell them the severity of the situation, but hes asked I dont. I search for 2 years, nothing. If they were to jump at that opportunity now, theyd likely have to take time off for a funeral relatively soon and that wouldnt look too good. I relate to Y, H, Emma, and so many others of you. I meant to say in my last comment that I did (as opposed to didnt) eventually find work I apologize for the typo. Ive been there and worse. The thing is they dont ever feel it is their responsibility to get a job and support themselves. Now my office situation has changed, with a nasty, impatient and intolerant manager . I even hired him a career coach and SHE is frustrated with him. My wife became unemployed over 15 years ago. So they might think Ill wait until so and so passes and this situation is resolved and then Ill return to the job hunt.. I want that for him more than I want his financial help. It undoes all the patient support Ive been trying to give and I then feel worse. He got cleared last November and went to his Union Hall and there hasnt been work since. Sometimes unemployed people go looking for work and just dont find it. Work together on problem-solving. You get to have a life. As awful as it is, youll most likely have to resort to an ultimatum in order to get him motivated to do anything. My [28F] husband [35M] of 11 years is chronically unemployed and won't You have to go through the court system to have him legally evicted. I was fired from a great job in the housing building materials industry in 2010. I have always handed over every penny I have worked for and he still only pays the bills when he really has too. Is he a good man or a lazy shit who pretends hes a good man just so you leave him alone, thats called playing you. Professional help can assist you with learning new skills and strategies that can be helpful to your marriage. Wheres my support! Only it has been 8 years and I am 60. So she met this man, a former classmate at the university, and less than 6 months later they were married. I dont think as humans we were meant to constantly be exposed to the same people every minute-second-hour of the day. Other friend or people we mix with dont know about the situation and therefore dont say anything and I just keep quiet, its easier that way.